Parents Reveal 8 Realities Before Having Kids
Deciding whether to have children is one of life’s biggest choices. Many people are unsure if they want kids, and the journey to that decision can be filled with questions. Holly Trantham, Creative Director at TFD, shares her personal insights and experiences, offering a candid look at what it’s truly like to become a parent. She emphasizes that while the decision is deeply personal, being informed about the realities can help anyone make the right choice for themselves.
1. The Myth of Being 100% Ready
Trantham debunks the idea that you need to feel completely ready before having a child. She notes that feeling 100% certain about major life decisions is rare. While excitement is important, she advises being realistic about the challenges ahead. It’s normal to feel anxious about raising a child, as it’s a significant responsibility. She found value in exploring online communities like the “regretful parents” subreddit, not to be discouraged, but as a way to face potential fears head-on.
2. Extremes vs. The Middle Ground
People often talk about having children in extremes: either life is incomplete without them, or parenthood is the hardest thing imaginable. Trantham explains that the reality usually lies somewhere in between. She addresses common fears, like never sleeping again, stating that while the early months are tough, sleep deprivation is not as absolute as often portrayed. With a supportive partner and strategies like shifted sleep schedules, parents can manage. She also mentions sleep training as a tool some parents use, highlighting that while luck plays a role in a baby’s sleep habits, proactive efforts can make a difference.
3. Returning to Yourself, Not Reinventing
Having a child requires immense effort and significantly reduces free time. Trantham stresses the importance of building a fulfilling life before becoming a parent. A child can add immense love but won’t complete you. It’s crucial to maintain personal identity outside of motherhood, as society and even well-meaning people might start seeing you only as “mom.” Building on existing routines and social connections makes it easier to maintain your identity than trying to create entirely new ones after the baby arrives.
4. The Critical Role of a Partner
The choice of partner is paramount in the parenting journey. Trantham highlights that unequal partnerships in domestic labor and childcare can make parenthood significantly harder. Statistics show that even in dual-income households, women often perform more housework. She points out that many men enter parenthood without fully understanding the work involved, leading to an imbalance. Her advice includes discussing sleep schedules, housework, and a partner’s willingness to take ownership of specific childcare tasks, like sleep training.
5. Parental Leave: A Major Red Flag
Trantham identifies a partner’s reluctance to take available parental leave as a significant red flag. She shares her positive experience where she and her husband took 14 weeks of paid leave each. This shared time, she believes, established an equitable foundation for their parenting roles and supported her recovery from childbirth and exclusive pumping. Studies show that paid parental leave benefits both employees and companies, yet cultural stigma often prevents fathers from taking it. Not taking leave can impact a father’s involvement and even contribute to postpartum depression in mothers lacking support.
6. The Financial Realities
While having a child is expensive, Trantham advises that financial readiness shouldn’t be a barrier for loving homes. She suggests focusing on providing love and support rather than material possessions. Many costs can be managed through hand-me-downs, secondhand items, and community resources like buy-nothing groups. Major expenses like childcare, healthcare, and long-term savings (e.g., 529 plans for college) require careful planning. Childcare costs, in particular, can push families into poverty or lower income brackets. She recommends researching local childcare costs and considering options like flexible work or stay-at-home parenting if feasible.
7. Shifting Priorities
Parenthood inevitably changes your priorities. Trantham found that her interests shifted, and she cared less about some pre-baby pursuits, like certain vacations. Flexibility, both mental and emotional, is the most underrated parenting skill. While grieving lost freedoms is natural, embracing the new priorities and finding ways to adapt is key. She suggests that if one is not okay with these fundamental shifts, it might indicate a deeper hesitation about having children.
8. Financial Preparedness Strategies
Trantham offers practical financial advice for expecting parents. This includes researching average childcare costs in your area and saving in advance. She strongly advocates for term life insurance, especially for young, healthy individuals, as it’s affordable and ensures family protection. She also reminds parents not to sacrifice their own long-term financial security, like retirement savings, and to create a savings plan that works, utilizing windfalls like tax refunds for future goals like college funds.
What Investors Should Know
The discussion around having children touches upon significant financial planning. Parents are advised to consider the long-term costs of childcare, which can be substantial, impacting household budgets significantly. Investing in term life insurance is presented as a crucial step for financial security, offering affordable protection for families. For those planning for their children’s future education, saving in 529 plans is mentioned, with estimates suggesting substantial monthly savings are needed to reach significant college funds. This highlights the importance of early and consistent financial planning for major life events like parenthood.
This article is based on insights shared by Holly Trantham. For more information on financial planning and life insurance, resources like Fabric by Gerber Life can provide quick and easy solutions. Visit meetfabric.com/financialldiet for details.
“Feeling 100% ready is a myth. The internet really loves to tell you if it’s not 100% yes, it’s a no on having children. And while I appreciate and can get behind that sentiment, I do think being 100% on any major life decision is kind of rare.”
Source: I Almost Didn't Have Kids. Here's What I Wish I Knew Before I Became A Mom. (YouTube)
